Thorns and Beliefs
I would like to share a limiting belief of mine. Hopefully the act of doing so will help lessen it's grip on me.
It is a tick in my flesh, itching my senses, but not on the surface. Only recently did I become fully aware of it. I don't think to myself, "gee you suck Rebecca. You can't succeed until you have your mental and chronic pain dysfunctions completely cured and even then good luck with that because now you have ruined your life waiting for the day you are well enough, good enough to try, to actually realize your many ideas!"
Actually, I probably have thought fragments of these things, but none of it so clearly or as completely and direct as that. But that is exactly what my flesh is telling me every day. That is what the treacherous voice is whispering, what it is weaving into my pores every moment. And in the course of time this weaves itself into blinders and into a sense of hopelessness and grief.
I've been thinking a lot about impact today. And really it has been a growing thought on a more casual and intuitive level.
While I care about ideas- producing ideas, speculation, discussions on a vision for reality going forward, and that is definitely where I live, I am realizing that I am becoming more prepared to embrace the part where I make that actionable.
Yes, I do have very real issues such as chronic pain and mental health difficulties, and I can't pretend those don't exist or not make space for it. But, I think that when I have looked at those challenges I've been inclined to think I had to keep working at "fixing" those before I could move on to do the world changing things I wanted to do. It has been an all or nothing proposition. Either I fixed those first (not knowing when or if I would manage that) or I pushed through those problems as if they did not exist. Unfortunately, neither of those things are good choices. Instead, I think I am miserable feeling as though I am constantly having my inner vision frustrated by physical limitations. This is the grief I spoke of. And in turn, I am adding less than I should be or want to be to the lives around me - family, friends, and society at large.
It is a bit of a tragedy to realize what certain people around me have been trying to communicate for years, but either because they did not speak my particular mental/cognitive language or they had a feel on what was wrong, but could not see the whole picture, I could not hear it the way I had to hear it for it to be meaningful or have the desired effect.
When I was a child, I repeatedly was told how "bright" or "precocious" I was, how much potential I had. This would have been all right had it been accompanied by direction or coaching or leadership or mentoring or whatever word one wants to use.
This was a particularly unfortunate mix given my natural love of exploration and speculation. This combined with utilizing Ti(inner logical system) to determine that the people around me that might have influenced me were not suitably equipped to do so and Fe(tapping into the feelings of those around me, albeit with only a 10 yr old charm) to bullshit my way through sort of faking it until I sort of made it or just faking it to get by(in a workplace for example) all added up to never actually going through any process that was going to garner lasting satisfaction and what-ever success looks like for me.